Just be honest, if you are inviting her to be physically intimate then make sure she has all the hints and please just make sure she knows that you like her in that way. She made friends with two girls living in her apartment block, and the other two were totally fine with seeing that the other was online playing a game and inviting themselves over. I read around before writing this article, to see what other people had to say on the subject. I love this and will use it always. Much communication later, of course, things were happier. You watch for the car and come out, or even sit on the front step and wait for your ride. Thats me, too: Im self employed and work from home, and unfortunately some people seem to think this means I am available to chat any time of day they happen to feel like it/ be nearby. Thats almost chilling. . It certainly doesnt have to be exactly fifty-fifty, nor do I suggest you keep a detailed count of how often she initiates contact versus how often you do, but if youre doing all or almost all of the initiating, I would be suspicious that shes not actually acting like someone whos trying to be friends with you. Im in the I love random visitors camp, but Ive also got a very strong case of friends accept me as I am fallacy when it comes to those unexpected visitors intersecting with chores. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. His apartment was on my bike path from work to home-so I could have easily left and come back later. Pare it down to the necessities. So I would say oh well Im free this afternoon too if you want to hang out actually no because reason OR that sounds like fun! the next day why didnt we hang out yesterday?. My SOs (large, close knit) family is terrible for this, especially since my SO is building a house right now and we have an adorable newborn baby. Ask means ASK. Does anyone else feel really weird even discussing plans with someone if you arent inviting them to join you? This is even with close friends/my best friends! Sometimes it is hard to tell though. Friend: Oh great! I have a very polite no soliciting sign on the gate. Maybe Im misinterpreting because I dont know the LW or her friend but it seems much more intense than to say hi. Maybe they were being good guests, maybe they were grateful for a way to feel involved, maybe they thought they were bribing the GM to be kind on the next critical botch. Let that one go, ok? Down. For me, it is always better to err on the side of asking first. The Captains given some good general guidelines, but when it comes to the specific relationship between the LW and this friend, I think in some ways its simpler, because its an individual. Tell him you have a commitment and will need to leave his place by a certain time. Im just generally a slightly messy, cluttered person. That is also the way the kids here in our neighborhood do it, they knock but to invite the person out or over, not themselves in. You might continue by offering to make him one of your favorite meals for supper that you know he would enjoy or a dessert that will blow his mind. Who DOES this? NEVERRRR, Its just that my family builds onion layers of forbidden feelings, and it was impossible to guess which ones you were supposed to notice & do something about and which ones didnt exist. Ive often considered having a certain day be my at home day, as was common in the Regency period. Actually, I think you really nailed it with !Plus it can feel for me like, whoa, are you going to do this a lot? Out of context, proposing that you drop by to show off your new bike doesnt sound like a big deal, if only because (Im guessing) the bike implies youre not going to stay long. I thought I was so bad at reading people, but it turns out that Im completely average. Maybe. Can I ask for some opinions on invite-twice-then-drop-if-no-interest when were talking about kids playdates? I wish I had pulled back way way in the beginning but I craved the friendship and closeness. Also, Its not a a good time, I have boiling food/exploding children/a dog who is sick at both ends is an acceptable excuse. I am depressed. And so, count your blessings that cleaning is a hassle but not a source of shame brain-weasels. Here's when we do it. Where I grew up there was an open door culture. Like, weddings often include a cost per person and youre not going to suck up that cost for everyone and their dog just because they want to come. Often, when a guy invites you over, it could be because he is wanting to take the relationship to the next level and make a move. Im still not sure how one knows the difference without being told explicitly so I still err on the side of isolating myself / not imposing my presence on people. Sorry for the messiness of the paragraph. I am not at your beck and call. You're not a late-night option and you're certainly not a 24-hour drive-thru pick-up window. Le sigh. Many people are eager to know when Santa will come to their house. Any self-respecting grownup should have mouthwash and face-wash readily available for exactly these types of situations (and hopefully for themselves on any other normal night). So just read on and you will be ready to win the guy over. ". You get a girl's number and then do nothing with it! There are exceptions, lots of them. Sounds like something Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory would do. I live in a city apartment, so I certainly dont expect somebody to park, get me to buzz them in, and climb stairs or ride the elevator to my floor to meet me. Your flat is absolutely not an option, so the best thing to do here is just to go ahead and ask him. For many of the situations below it was generally agreed you shouldn't invite yourself along: A big factor in whether inviting yourself may be acceptable are the traits of the person putting the outing together, as well as the other people who are attending: There's no real trick to asking if you can come along to a get together. If you made dinner at his house, leave the kitchen cleaner than when you arrived. If youre running late, it should be up to you to text them. Re: ADHD Girl (also sorry nesting fail) I actually use this with people who are habitually late. Well, is he Northern European or from the Northeast Atlantic Archipelago? I too have been in a fairly fighty friendship that was often, like you say: wow I have no idea why we are in this situation. I was taken aback but knew she was going through a stressful time and gave her space. Also, no one from my work is ever welcome in my home, because the streams must not cross. Admit it, neither one of you wants the date to end. Think about this for a second. And no expectations of hospitality or cleaning, just hey, was passing and saw you were home! It was always tacitly acknowledged that it was literally a Hi/bye!. I cant wait until we have the house finished so I can start locking the door again. I am mortified. I want you to keep that AC running. Sorry if this doesn't work but it might. Which is why I despise despise despise Google Hangouts, but thats a completely different story. Im just better at saying No, this isnt a good time, Ill catch you online later, bye now! Ugh, LA driving/parking sucks! I know people who do this (I am not one of them, however). Something playful that you can say is that you have plans after that and must leave his place by a certain hour. Especially since I kind of see him as a big brother to me. Youre not even someone my other half considers a friend, just someone who knows him. Im already in the zone, so if someone cruises by and is like HEYYYYY I WAS PASSING THROUGH, well, I was already mentally prepared for interruption. That is why some even go as far as comparing it to playing chess. Dont demand. Has their baby barfed on me/Do we spend a lot of time in each others houses? H An alternative to let me stop by your house is Im going to be in the neighborhood do you want to meet up? This is a call I do not mind getting. In some circumstances it may be totally fine to invite yourself to an event where on paper it would seem like a stupid idea. You can go on and offer to fix him one of your favorite most loved recipes for dinner sometime that you are sure he will love. Or if I say, to, in a completely made-up situation, to my dads sweet elderly Midwestern cousin, Oh sure come over for lunch the next time you have to be in town to go to the VA. Oh. It appears that the situation has changed, but I dont think theres anything to be gained by retroactively criticizing the LW for something which we cant know the appropriateness or not of at the time. Then, and this is the important part, drop way WAY back in your efforts to get together with her. Luckily, subtle politeness is allowed. Them:I want to see What We Do In The Shadows., You:Me too. I have a dear friend who provides me with an interesting variation of this broader issue: inviting other friends of HIS along to plans that I (or others among our mutual friends) try to make with him. After years away from it, I think we were (at best) incompatible in certain ways. If people want to hang out with you, my experience has been that they will issue an invitation, either generally to the entire group (Were meeting at the bar after kickball, everyone is invited) or specifically to me (Were going to the Pun-Off after kickball. Just Im coming over to do/help with/talk about x,y, and z. and Id have to scramble for an excuse. Even if its not exactly only friends from work invited, it gives a socially polite reason for friend to say that its not an open invitation. It's a public place. Turns out those same people liked to gang up on me with emotional abuse and gaslighting. Don't expect him to have everything you need. Maybe they forgot to tell you, or assumed the invitation was obvious, even if it was unspoken, or they just missed adding your name to a mass message that was sent out. It cant have been fun for them, can it? To support this ministry and help us continue to reach people all around the world click here: Hah. So we were both missing eachother and thinking the other didnt want to be friends anymore. Its insanely awkward. I grew up thinking Im socially odd and terrible at body language, but it turns out Im just odd. 1.6. You didnt do anything wrong by issuing invitations, but either the other person isnt interested enough to make you a priority, or they are interested but dont have the bandwidth right now to make you a priority. I keep thinking about going and finding the car and asking them to cut it out. So I think it has a context where its useful. Also don't give a room a complete makeover without gaining permission to do so first. Theres a difference between mentioning and discussing, though, eh? Pretty much my favorite thing about my house is that, once Im in it, no one can interact with me unless I want them to. I finally had the realization a couple of years ago that all of my friends dont necessarily want to hang out with each otherthey dont all like each other as much as I like them/they like meand so maybe some of them are relieved to see me one on one, instead of in a group-forced-interaction situation. I take the view that if my partner is welcome then theyll tell me Hey, would you and D like to come? or D would be welcome too if he can make it! If hes not specifically mentioned then we both assume that the invite is just for me. *I contain magnitudes* Someone surprises me at home: invasion of my precious and rare me-time. hut it's in the files, of course." They had got back to the door . If I know the people in question well enough I will sometimes just be explicit. Don't assume people share all your interests, and simply invite them to do something you think is fun. If you are sure about him then just go ahead and ask him and the truth is he probably wont say no if he desires the same thing as you. But why do you want them to walk from their car to your door and back again regardless of the weather? There are so many many reasons people might not enjoy a surprise visit. Sometimes I hurt or feel bad, and it is supposedly my day off, so I take a nap, and I want to be left alone while I nap. FWIW I think your manners were fine, and your reading on the situation of friend vs SO is pretty socially ept. Its worth asking in terms of, We would love to have T. over this month, when would be a good time? Its a little bit presumptuous, as the phrasing presumes that of course T.s parents would be delighted to have the playdateso if they for some reason arent okay with that, theyll have to use their Adulting Skills and make their refusal more clearbut right now the ball needs to be put in their court with a little more firmness. But thats not whats happening here. I used to do that because Ive had several friends (or friends) who had a tendency to cancel at the last minute. My best friend lives in a large apartment building downtown in our mid-sized city. She suffers from anxiety and depression so I understand why this is but finding a balance between pestering her and having any contact at all is proving hard. Mezzanines description is honest; its just setting an agreed-upon check-in point in advanceyou need to check in and see if I want you to leave after X time, at which point I will let you know how I feel. Those are really helpful sometimes, especially if a person doesnt always realize theyre starting to feel run down unless the topic comes up. Thank you! It hadnt occurred to me that it would come across that way, and Im sorry. Let me know how that goes does actually more than just not asking to invite you. Speaking for myself, personally, a same day text or phone call that says Im going to be in your area, are you free to hang out later for a bit? from a friend is more than fine but an unannounced and unexpected knock on my door, like, Hi, Im already here here to hang out with you! is pretty strange. I recognize that this is more my problem than theirs, but I like my budget! Heres the difference between your pet peeve and the pet peeve of the person youre replying to. Pack lightly. Of course, people who don't pick up on that assumption may unintentionally feel excluded. You go on a date and have a great time; you hang out, drink, and have a nice time, but he is not asking you to come over. Its 9:30am on a Saturday. But its also a huge life event (or can be, anyway) so expecting you to never mention it to non-invitees is kind of ridiculous. It happens in Chicago, too, and I hate it (although Im used to it). I love living in a super duper access controlled building where people have to call up to be let in because it makes it oh so easy to not be in to visitors without actually saying the words Right now I would rather stare at a wall than interact with you, because no one takes those words well even when they are true. I have mild recurring plantar fascitis, so standing can get uncomfortable. A poignant reminder of how people often desperately cling to the shreds of a relationship, even though they probably already know in their heart that it has already slipped away. My phone was broken so I couldnt text, and I guess the sign of the times is that I didnt even think to use the landline! Thats just me though and I appreciate its different for everyone. Ask him if he has any dessert requests, but don't ask him to buy half the ingredients for the dinner. And your expectations sound like theyre probably just fine. I suppose that depends on how long youd been with each other and how comfortable you were if it was a very new relationship I would be kind of focused on presenting my best self and maybe thrown by a date who showed up while I was still getting ready. I sent out the wedding invitations to all my friends. Sorry you had to deal with all that. For me there actually felt less pressure to accept these impromptu invitations than there sometimes is with people pre-arranging by phone. Even if Britney WAS DD as well, that wouldnt be the issue, and bringing in suggestions that shes just like a three-year-old are weird and ableist. Like theres a huge difference between dropping by unannounced and saying something like Cable at my new place wont be hooked up till next week, can I watch Nurse Jackie with you at your house on Sunday? But navigating that kind of thing can be pretty tricky, and you do have to kind of gauge how close the friendship is and what the other persons preferences are before you say something like that. INDEED. While I am still in the shower. In some cases, it might intimidate the guys, since in this situation you are the one leading the dance. I cant always do everything with all the family. But why do people think the fun event that X wasnt invited to attend is fun for them to hear about in any way at all? - Inviting Myself Along DEAR INVITING MYSELF ALONG: I suspect 2. Sometimes, the people issuing invitations have just screwed up. In this case, it is best to create a situation he cant say no in. First of all guys don't smile to other girls unless they like them. I so need to have more people over so this happens more often. He won't necessarily have a good conversation starter at the top of his mind or really know what to say to you. Also for saying goodbye to the people you just visited. But I could be wrong! Granted, part of the reason is because Im probably not wearing pants, either, but I hate unexpected visit awkwardness. If theyd gone with the latter I could give a soft no if I wasnt feeling it and dignity for all would be kept intact, but by hiding that question it pre-empts the soft no by making you divulge that no you didnt really have any plans and are in fact free, thus making it trickier to evade an unwanted invitation gracefully. Wanna join, Wee_Ramekin?). Even my parents call before coming over, and the only times Ive said no are when I was too sick or exhausted to want to see them. But I didnt tell her I was in the area. Thats theyre decision as an adult. but Im concerned about *your* plans. People have different friend relationships, different notions of what is appropriate at work, and different touch boundaries. You just have to use your words to figure out what works for your own personal social circle. Or maybe I just had other plans for the next hour and now Im going to be behind on the day. I had a cancellation at work and got to leave about 60 minutes early. Basically, if they are young/less able enough to still need adult support for any aspect of getting to/getting through a visit, they cant necessarily sort out an invite unfortunately. LW, as a general rule (at least in most parts of North America and Europe), I think youll usually be safe with these guidelines: dont just show up at someones house (unless theyve told you they like when people do that) and dont be the one to suggest you go to your friends house (unless youre quite close or theyve told you they like that). Hi, sorry our dog is all excited you are here You can be nice and tell her youll be leaving for fun thing at 3:15. Im pretty social in that Im at clubs almost every day of the week and so when Im not I have to cram in stuff I actually WANT or NEED to do. She thought I didnt like her anymore because I never just dropped by to see her. If this is a guy you've been seeing for awhile, but he's refused to have you over, there's a chance he's hiding something. Did you want some company / help? People who know me know Im a call or text ahead person. And the thing is, if theyd said whose house should we watch at? I would have volunteered. (For values of we meaning the people of my generation that I know. That was not about you. I never got why they didnt tell him to go away, but I am clearly meaner than them. I think its easier for both sides to send a text. But with this one friend, all you really need to know is what SHE prefers. I wish Id done that when this happened to me. I literally hid from them a few times, even though my mom told me I was being rude. Ha, intercultural differences around this kind of thing are a trip. That is what constitutes the perfect level of family closeness in her mind, so that is how it has to be: Family is always happy to see you any time of day or night (no matter how much of a nightmare you are). Only me. Even as a kid it mortified me, people would laugh when I rang the bell or knocked on the door. But I moved away, and now that I am well out of college anyone who came by unannounced would definitely get a are you ok? My interpretation isnt that the world has changed to respect peoples boundaries, its that the world (as I experience it) has changed in response to technology and moving to a big city from a small town and that my anxieties havent grown less because boundaries are different, they have just shifted their arena. Most of the time its a welcome treat and diversion in my day. I poured out my heart. Hey, Ill turn up between 8am and 6pm! My own perspective is that if a person just shows up at my house, not only am I going to pretend I am not at home, but I will also be demoting them several degrees in our relationship. Call or ask the guy in person. drifting? But arkadyrose was talking about wedding with one person and another person inserted themself into the conversation. I have a Master of Social Work (MSW) degree, and a B.A. I like to be alone. Id advise you to take dropping by her house uninvited completely off the table. I would only drop by a friends house unannounced or just-announced in extreme circumstances. Ill check in periodically through the week leading up to it checking on how his energy levels are looking so far and making sure his dad hasnt sprung something unexpectedly on him. I once had a friend invite himself along on a trip to Europe. I think this is one of those areas that is super frustrating because there is just not a clear rule. Keeping a lot of lies straight is a very stressful endeavor. I have two minds about dropping inpartly, I really like it because of my mental issues, I can go from I need to be alone for an undisclosed amount of time to I would feel significantly better with company in a very short amount of time that can foil even the best-laid plans. My example above works well for both his and my anxieties. A free guide to getting past social awkwardness, you're not sure if people are really interested in being friends with you or not. What do these people really think of you? I am one of those people who might indeed be home when a friend calls, but that doesnt mean Im not working on something/enjoying my precious downtime/up for entertaining a guest at any given moment. I have a people-energy budget made out for the week, and when people show up without asking, it annoys me at best-and also can be exhausting, depending on how high cost my week has been-and just the disruption to my budget without warning makes me annoyed. You ask him/her to see each other and . Im personally a massive introvert and dont really like house guests much at all, but I always thought it was on me to deal with that, not to expect other people not to do things like ask to come over and so I thought the LWs friend was being a bit harsh in reprimanding her rather than just stating her personal boundaries. There are really tough dynamics at play because FAMILY and also because its been going on for years. Later, after invites had gone out and the spares were given to the Bride, Bride told housemate to tell me I was invited verbally while at some other event. And it started out just being ok for his and mine going oh hey I dont stress about this as much. Two Friendly Ways to Invite Someone in English Option 1: Start with a simple question. Even if some or all of those things were not true, I still, like everyone else, have a right to privacy and personal space. Shes even walked in the front door before when we didnt answer her knocking quickly enough. People actually try to invite themselves on your vacations? Or Im burnt out and demand me time just because. It makes me feel good. Anything that takes preparation on the part of the host or organizer, or even costs them money, is iffy. Goodbye, next time call a day or two in advance and we can schedule something.. In the rare event that Im having chill-out time, thats because Im desperately in need of doing nothing / reading / watching Dr Who with my kids, and the last thing in the world I want is to have to interact with another person. No notice necessary.. Tell him that you are tipsy and that you dont feel comfortable driving home in this state. You can get them pumped about hosting you by talking about all the fun times ahead, like board games, movie nights and backyard barbecues. Not asking if the woman feels safe meeting at home. I broke it off because I couldnt take the conflict anymore. i agree with a lot of what youre saying, being part of a group does not automatically mean that you are invited to all the things, that is very true. This is partly based on what I observed of other kids. Her invitation to her casa is the next step to a fling or long-term relationship. It hasnt worked as well for me though. Answer door, but open it only a crack. Note, your friend might just want a bit more space generally it might not be anything about your friendship, they might just be a bit stressed with life generally and want to claw back some control/mental space/holiday/have a break whilst redecorating/re-training, and they might be back with enthusiasm later. Copyright. I once traveled to my old uni town to check out my old haunts (also birdwatching. So if neither of us minds, what does it matter? Agreed. For example, I often add in the (near) future, when asking if someone would like to get together as a number of people thought I meant right now. You can also drop a simple text letting him know you are looking forward to seeing him, to casually confirm the date ahead of time to ensure the plans are still on. She still isnt invited and she still isnt coming in. I know that probably seems like a small/petty distinction, but in terms of the LWs question I just want to emphasize how much more fun ALL aspects of hosting are for me when I know about them in advance. But NONE of my other friends do this, at least not after the first time. Im not sure if youve already responded to your friend or not, but if not I think the correct response here is a simple Hey, sorry, didnt mean to invade your space! And some guys think women really like to be cooked for, so he could have good intentions. Im begging you, Awkward Army. I once got taken by surprise by my cousin at her birthday party asking why my boyfriend hadnt come. Amongst my good friends, I am not ever upset when they invite themselves over, we are close, and it never bothers me. Let your life and worth ethic speak for itself. Im totally inviting Susie Cream Cheese to have dinner with me there. Just as with the break-up of a romantic/sexual relationship, theres something horrible about the person who doesnt come out and say its over Im breaking up with you but instead keeps leading the soon-to-be ex on with apologies, affection and promises interspersed with harshness, temper, and neglect in the hopes that the rejectee will get the hint. Back in my pre-cell phone phone college days in liberal central Texas, folks who popped by because they passed near my house generally stayed on the porch, got a hug, and went on their merry way. My gran is old-fashioned enough that she has actual calling cards with nothing but her name on them, so if she drops by someones house and theyre not home, she tucks the card in the doorframe to let them know she was there. What was once acceptable dropping in randomly, a friendly chat over the mail, etc. We should totally go and see that together! (I mean, my house is my Fortress of Solitude, and I can be super grumpy if Im interrupted in the middle of something by my phone, but unless underlying issues are at play, even I the Queen of the Solitary Grumpies here am never going to reply to a self-invite with Dude, totally inappropriate! rather than just, Nope, not gonna work right now.) Talk about it with her if youd like; let her slow-fade quietly on out if youd like; find a new awesome person to enjoy riding with. Maybe its kind of odd that I still havent been able to give them their Christmas present by March!), knowing that I was That Person please-will-she-ever-go-away. If the LW did the same here, e.g. That meant that dropping by was much too frequent. What works or worked in LWs life is the issue, not my reactions to hugs. We do our weekly cleaning Sunday morning anyway so thats also the cleanest time of the week! But theres a lot wrong with painting peoples legitimate reasons for disliking unexpected people dropping by as some sort of irrational priggishness, and the cleaning remark is just gratuitously nasty. Ive disabled Hangouts on all my devices. But I also have friends where hey Im heading that way and Ill be there in an hour can I crash on your couch tonight? is completely acceptable (but also comes with a side of being told no, actually I cant crash tonight because kids are sick/family is in town/someone else has the couch).